Undercover
by RollisiFanGirl
Summary: Amanda Rollins goes undercover at Bobby D'Amico's club. The squad has their eyes on her to monitor what's going on, but when they lose their visuals on her and Bobby gets her alone in the bathroom, he and Craig will do what they do to every other girl they get in that bathroom.
1. Chapter 1

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here alone?" Bobby D'Amico asked with a sly grin on his face. He ran his arm down Amanda's side. Amanda was in a short, black dress. He had a clutch with her that held her badge. There was a wire on her so the squad could hear her, but it was well hidden. From a table nearby, Fin watched the two, subtly. Anger was already bubbling inside of him, knowing what D'Amico was planning.

"He's talking to her. Making his move," Fin stated, pretending to be looking at his phone.

"You still have eyes on her?" Olivia asked from the police van across the street. Carisi was standing next to her, looking at the cameras.

"Yeah. Don't you?" Fin questioned.

"Well, we have eyes on you. We can see what you see, but it looks like the camera in Amanda's necklace is dead," Benson sighed.

"Don't worry. I'm watching her," Fin assured his lieutenant.

Amanda slurred her words and giggled, pretending to be a little drunk. Bobby D'Amico smirked. His eyes scanned her body carefully, and he complimented her body.

"You're not too bad lookin' yourself," Amanda giggled. Another song started, and Amanda's grin grew.

"I love this song!" Amanda slurred.

"Wanna dance?" Bobby asked. He didn't wait for an answer. He simply grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. She stumbled and laughed. Fin was a little freaked out at how good of an actress his partner was.

He was disgusted as he watched Bobby grind on his partner. Meanwhile, Amanda had to pretend she enjoyed it. Fin looked down at his phone to continue speaking to his lieutenant, informing her that things were heating up.

"How about we go some place a little more private?" Bobby smirked, giving Amanda a sloppy kiss.

"Sounds good," Amanda giggled as he practically groped her. Bobby lead her away, and she stumbled along, keeping her drunk act.

"Hey, Fin. Your camera just died too. We don't have a visual," Benson said, worry evident in her voice.

"Don't worry. I got her," Fin reassured his lieutenant. He looked up, surprised when he didn't see Amanda immediately. His eyes scanned the area and filled with concern when he didn't see his partners.

"I lost my visual. I'm gonna walk a bit and see if I can find her. They probably just went back to get another drink," Fin stated, calmly. He didn't want to worry Benson and Carisi. He was sure Amanda was near by.

Amanda was pinned against the bathroom wall, being sloppily kissed by Bobby. She knew where this was going. She was nervous, but she knew her squad was going to burst in here and rescue her. Another man entered the bathroom, and Amanda realized it was Craig Bierko.

"How about we have a little more fun?" Craig suggested.

"Sounds good," Bobby smirked, reaching his hand up Amanda's dress.

"N-no, I-I should get h-home. M-my b-boyfriend's waiting for me," Amanda slurred.

"No, you should stay here, Detective," Bobby snarled.

"Huh? I'm not a," Amanda began, but was cut off with a sharp slap to the face.

"You didn't think I would see your wire?" Bobby asked, yanking it out of her dress. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it.

"Fin, we can't hear her anymore. They found out she was wired," Benson said, clearly worried.

"I can't find her," Fin admitted.

"Keep looking!" Benson ordered.

"Ooo we're getting a cop tonight? Sounds good," Craig smirked, cracking his knuckles.

"N-no. Let me go," Amanda managed to get out.

"Wow, what a nice piece of meat you got there," Bobby grinned, giving Amanda a harp slap on her butt.

She tried to leave, but was shoved against the wall, slapped five times, and punched twice in the face. When she continued to struggled, Bobby punched her in the stomach three times.

Bobby lifted her dress up and told Craig to hold it up. Amanda tried fighting back, but it was useless against these two men. After pulling down her underwear, Bobby pinned her wrists above her head. He started kissing her all over, and Amanda tried to move away from his touch.

"Let me go!" Amanda yelled.

"Shut up!" Craig spat.

"P-please, d-don't! Please, d-don't do this! P-please!" Amanda begged, her voice shaking.

Bobby continued touching and groping Amanda all over. He forcibly kissed her wherever he could get his lips. She tried to get away, but with no success. Amanda was trembling, and tears began welling up in her eyes. Bobby forced himself inside of Amanda, earning a cry of pain from the young blonde.

"Ow! St-Stop! P-Please!" Amanda pleaded.

"You're just a filthy, little slut! You deserve this!" Bobby taunted her. When Bobby finished, he released Amanda.

"Fin, where is she?" Benson demanded.

"I'm outside the bathroom. I can hear her crying," Fin sighed.

"We don't know if they're armed, but we know she's not, so wait. We're coming in now," Benson declared. Benson, Carisi, and the back up hopped out of the van and rushed into the club.

"NYPD! Hands up!" Benson screamed, entering the bathroom a couple of minutes later. Carisi and Fin came in right behind her, along with four other cops for back up. Amanda was pinned against the wall by Craig.

"Step away from her!" Carisi ordered, pointing his gun at Bierko. Craig immediately let go of Amanda. Amanda didn't move from where she was. Tears slid down her bruised face. Her eyes were filled with despair and pain. Two of the cops that came for back up arrested the two men. The two men were yelling, claiming Amanda wanted it. Amanda was trembling, too frightened to even speak.

"Amanda?" Carisi asked. He stepped closer to her and reached his hand out. Amanda's eyes widened, and she flinched, scrambling against the wall.

"Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you. It's okay," Carisi promised, his voice filled with sadness. Then, Olivia noticed Amanda's underwear on the bathroom floor. The lieutenant's heart broke for her young detective. Judging by the underwear on the floor, the bruises on Amanda's face, and the way she flinched back from Carisi, it was pretty obvious what awful event had taken place. The squad was too late. They had been unable to protect her.

"Hey, Amanda? You're all right. It's over," Olivia spoke in a soft voice. Amanda's breathing was shaky, and fear was written all over her face.

"You're safe now. We're all here to help you. None of us are going to hurt you," Olivia tried to soothe the younger woman. Amanda let out a whimper.

"It's all right," Olivia promised. Fin took off his jacket and handed it to Olivia, deciding it was probably best if he didn't touch Amanda. Olivia put the jacket on Amanda's shoulders.

"Fin, call a bus," Olivia ordered. Fin did as told, while Carisi and Olivia tried to help Amanda relax.

Amanda didn't say a single word while they waited for the bus. She trembled, occasionally letting out a whimper. She was so scared. She couldn't believe what had just been done to her. She was raped.

 _Again._

She tried to process what had just taken place, but she couldn't get through replaying it in her mind without letting out heart wrenching sobs. Olivia tried to soothe her, but Amanda didn't seem to be listening to a single world her lieutenant said. When the ambulance arrived, two paramedics entered the bathroom with a gurney. One was a male, and the other was a female. They tried to help Amanda onto the gurney, but, when the male paramedic touched her, Amanda flinched away and let out a yelp.

"D-don't. Please, don't," Amanda whispered, backing away. The brokenness in Amanda's voice almost caused tears to well up in Olivia's eyes.

"Amanda, they're only trying to help you. He won't touch you again. It's all right. I'll help you onto the gurney, and I'll ride with you," Olivia assured the frightened woman.

After the rape kit, Amanda was sitting on the cot, tears spilling from her eyes. She was distant and seemed to be in deep thought. She finally felt comfortable with her squad, but she still didn't feel comfortable with Carisi or Fin touching her, which they understood. Amanda hadn't even explained what happened to her. She knew at some point she would have to tell them, and she was dreading it. Her squad would realize how weak she was. They would see how pathetic she was. They would question why she didn't fight back.

Guilt was weighing on Fin's shoulders. If he hadn't looked down at his phone, he would've seen Amanda get taken into the bathroom. He could've stopped the rape from happening, but he didn't. Because he didn't pay enough attention to his partner, she had to endure something painful and traumatic. She had been to afraid to even speak since they were in the bathroom at the club. Of course, nobody blamed Fin for what happened. It wasn't his fault, but he didn't see it that way.

"I-I'm s-sorry," Amanda finally whispered. Her voice was so quiet, you could barely hear her.

"Oh, sweetheart, no. Don't you dare apologize. You didn't do anything wrong," Olivia responded, her voice soft and soothing. She pulled Amanda into a hug.

"I should've m-made sure F-Fin w-was watching b-bef-before I w-went with h-him," Amanda whimpered.

"No, Amanda. This isn't your fault. It's only Bobby and Craig's fault," Olivia assured her.

"I thought you guys had visuals through my necklace?" Amanda sniffled. Olivia stroked her arm.

"The camera in your necklace must've died, and we think Fin's malfunctioned. I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized.

"It's not your fault," Amanda whispered.

"And it's not your fault either," Olivia declared, seriously.


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda didn't say a word. She didn't know what to say. The hospital had given her some sweats to wear since they had to take her clothes for evidence. Amanda felt embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to her. Memories of what Patton did to her came flooding back, and she let out a whimper. She was raped again. She had no idea how she was going to get through this.

She sat in the backseat with Olivia. Fin was driving, and Carisi was in the passenger's seat. They believed Amanda would be more comfortable sitting next to Olivia than if she sat next to Fin or Carisi.

Carisi kept looking back Amanda, heartbroken about what had been done to her. The despair on Amanda's face could've made anyone in the squad cry. Amanda looked defeated. Everyone wanted to comfort her, but no one knew what to say.

Amanda was doing her best to numb herself. She didn't want to feel anything. She needed to pretend it never happened. It worked when Patton raped her, and she was sure this method would work again.

 _I just need to move on._ Amanda thought to herself. Amanda believed if you pretended long enough, it was like nothing ever did happen.

No one knew what to say to Amanda, but it was Fin who struggled the most to find words. All the apologies in the world wouldn't take back what happened. He couldn't turn back the clock, though he wished he could. The guilt hit him like a truck. If he had waited a few more seconds before looking down at his phone, or looked up just a few seconds earlier, maybe Amanda wouldn't have been raped. Better yet, if he hadn't looked at his phone at all, this wouldn't have happened. Fin's job was to keep his eyes on Amanda and make sure she was safe. He failed to do that. He failed her. She had to pay for his mistake. How was that fair?

Halfway back to the precinct, a strangled sob escaped from Amanda's mouth. The lieutenant and detectives immediately looked at Amanda. Fin could look only for a second since he had to keep driving. Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder, wanting to comfort her. Tears streamed down Amanda's face as she fought not to let another cry out.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fine," Amanda whispered out through tears.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're not fine, and that's okay. This is not your fault. It's all right," Olivia was quick to try to soothe the younger woman. Amanda mentally scolded herself for accidentally letting the cry slip out. She had no intention of letting anyone see her break, but that was out the window now. The rest of the drive consisted of Olivia trying to soothe Amanda. Fin and Carisi chimed in occasionally, wanting to do anything to help their friend.

When they arrived at the precinct, Olivia took Amanda to the interview room, and Fin brought her a water bottle. Fin and Carisi watched through the glass as Amanda gave her heartbreaking statement to Olivia. She cried and apologized through the whole thing, and no one could understand why Amanda thought this was her fault. She was only doing her job. It was an undercover mission gone terribly wrong.

Amanda struggled to give her statement. Her words were spoken with a shaking voice. It was easy to see Amanda was ashamed and embarrassed by what was done to her. Olivia understood why Amanda would feel that way, but she wanted Amanda to understand she shouldn't feel that way. It wasn't her fault. She was brave to go undercover. Two men attacked her. They were big guys. No one wondered why Amanda couldn't fight back. She was in a short dress, pinned against the wall, and she didn't have her gun on her. It was a club, so screaming wouldn't have had much of an effect because nobody would hear her anyway. Fin barely heard her sobs outside the bathroom, and that was only because he was right by the door.

Halfway through giving her statement, Amanda's breathing grew unsteady. Her body trembled more violently. A sob escaped her mouth, and she hid her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Amanda, don't apologize. You haven't done anything wrong. This isn't your fault," Olivia tried to soothe her. Amanda shook her head.

"I-I should've paid more attention. I should've y-yelled. I-I shouldn't h-have l-let it get that f-far," Amanda whimpered.

"Amanda, you were doing your job. You did everything right. Those guys attacked you. They're the ones who were wrong, not you," Olivia argued.

"I'm trained in self defense! I should've fought back harder!" Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, those men had over two hundred pounds on you all together," Olivia said, her voice calm, and her words serious. Amanda shook her head, still crying.

Carisi and Fin were heartbroken for their colleague. She was in pain, and she was afraid. As if things weren't bad enough, she blamed herself for what happened. Carisi wanted to hug Amanda, but he knew his touch wouldn't be appreciated yet. He just wanted to dry her tears and see her smile. Fin wanted to kill Bobby and Craig. This whole thing was their fault. They hurt his partner. Fin was angry at himself for ever letting Amanda out of his sight. He wished he had watched out for his partner a little better.

After Amanda gave her statement, the squad piled back into Fin's car. No one spoke the entire ride to Olivia's apartment. Amanda was lost in her thoughts. Fin was drowning in guilt. Carisi was fighting back tears. Olivia knew nothing she said would comfort Amanda right now.

At Olivia's apartment, they all sat on the couch. Noah was asleep in his bedroom. Amanda was tensed up. She kept her head low, not wanting to look at anyone, and not wanting anyone to look at her. Olivia made the young blonde some tea, hoping it might help her calm down. Amanda only took a few sips before placing it on the coffee table.

"Amanda, we just want you to know that we're in your corner. None of what happened tonight is on you. We are going to make those guys pay for what they did to you," Olivia stated, her voice firm.

"We love you, baby girl. I'm so sorry for what happened tonight," Fin apologized.

"Fin, that's not on you," Amanda spoke up. Her voice was shaky and vulnerable. Her words were genuine. She didn't blame Fin for what happened. Fin smiled slightly, but he didn't believe her.

"Amanda, you did not deserve to have that happen to you. Don't blame yourself. It is not your fault," Carisi said, seriously. He patted Amanda's knee, regretting it when she flinched back.

"Amanda, I would never hurt you," Carisi promised, his voice soft and sad.

"I know. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Well, it's been a long night, and I think we all need some rest," Olivia declared.

"Agreed. Good night, girls," Fin said.

"Uh, Fin, can you drive me back home, please?" Amanda asked. Carisi, Fin, and Olivia all casted each other confused looks.

"Amanda, you're staying here tonight," Olivia explained.

"I am?" She asked, clearly confused and apparently surprised by this news.

"Yes. We're not letting you spend tonight by yourself," Olivia told the young detective, shocked Amanda thought she would be left alone at a time like this.

"You know what? No, I'm okay. Really. I can go back to my place. I'll be fine," Amanda tried to convince the squad.

"Amanda, I don't think so. I think you're better off staying here," Fin argued.

"Me too," Carisi chimed in.

"No, guys, really. I'm on my own all the time. I've been through rough times by myself. I can handle this," Amanda tried to assure them. Their hearts sank, knowing Amanda had gone through a lot without the support of family or friends.

"Amanda, just stay here. You'll feel better here than you will alone. We're not taking 'no' for an answer," Carisi declared. Amanda let out a whimper and stepped back.

"Don't say that. Please, don't say that," she whispered.

"What? What did I say?" Carisi asked, concerned about what was going on.

"Okay, Amanda. Okay. He won't say that again. It's all right. Did Bobby and Craig say that to you?" Olivia questioned. Amanda shook her head.

"Who did?" Olivia asked, confused. Amanda shook her head again.

"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Carisi apologized.

"It-it's okay. You didn't know," Amanda offered him a small smile to assure him she wasn't upset with him.

"If you won't stay here for yourself, stay here for us," Olivia quietly convinced the blonde detective. She hesitantly nodded, knowing they would keep pestering her until she agreed. Then, Amanda let out a yawn, and her eyes drooped.

"Okay, I think it's time to call it a night," Olivia decided. Everyone said their goodbyes, and Fin and Carisi exited the apartment.

"Amanda, you can sleep in my bed. I'll take the couch," Olivia offered.

"Oh, no, thank you. I'll be fine on the couch," Amanda tried to assure her lieutenant.

"You'll be comfortable in the bed. Look, you're tired, sore, and in pain. Please, take the bed," Olivia pleaded. After tonight, Olivia felt Amanda at least deserved a comfortable place to sleep.

"I don't want to take your bed," Amanda argued.

"It's just for a couple of days," Olivia retorted.

"You're sure you don't mind?" Amanda questioned.

"Positive," Olivia assured the younger woman. Amanda sighed.

"Thank you," she smiled, quietly.

"No. No, don't. Please. Please," Amanda mumbled in her sleep. Tears were sliding down her face.

A piercing scream woke Olivia up. She realized the scream came from Amanda. She jumped off the couch and ran to the bedroom. In the bedroom, she found Amanda tossing and turning. She was mumbling, and she was whimpering. As Olivia approached the young blonde, she could see the pain Amanda must've been in, judging by the way she scrunched her face.

"Amanda, wake up, sweetheart. It's all right. It's just a dream," Olivia spoke in a gentle voice. Amanda's eyes shot open, and she looked at her lieutenant, fearfully. Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the younger woman into a hug. Amanda sobbed in her arms.

"It's all right," Olivia tried to soothe her.

"I didn't want any of that," the blonde cried.

"I know. I know. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's over now. You're safe. They will never hurt you again," Olivia tried to assure the younger woman.

"Why did this have to happen again?" Amanda whimpered.

"What do you mean again?" Olivia questioned. Amanda froze for a moment before shaking her head, indicating she did not want to have that conversation. Olivia sighed. She wanted to know what Amanda meant, but she knew better than to press her for details right now.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded. When she fell back asleep, Olivia returned to the couch.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, everyone! I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but I promise the next chapter will be longer! Thank you for your support, and I hope you enjoy this fanfiction! :)**

Olivia and her son, Noah, were sitting at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Amanda was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television that wasn't even turned on. She was lost in her thoughts, and Olivia expected her to be distant. Amanda was a distant person as it was, and the lieutenant knew she would be even more detached, given the recent events. Most Olivia and Amanda were exhausted. Amanda had woken Olivia up a total of three times with her screams or cries. Every time Olivia pulled Amanda out of her dream, she sobbed harder as the events of last night replayed in her mind.

"Amanda, you really should try to eat something," Olivia suggested. Amanda didn't respond. She was so lost in her thoughts, she didn't even hear her lieutenant.

"Amanda!" Olivia called a little louder. Amanda flinched slightly before briefly looking at her lieutenant. She quickly broke the eye contact, turning her attention back to the television that wasn't on.

"Amanda, you need to try to eat," Olivia declared.

"I'm not hungry," the young blonde mumbled.

"I understand, but you should still at least try. How about a toast?" Olivia asked.

"I'm not hungry," Amanda muttered.

"Amanda, it's not a request. You have to eat," Olivia commanded, her tone soft.

"I don't have to do anything! You're not the boss of me! You don't get to just control me!" Amanda snapped. Olivia's heart hurt for the young woman. She hadn't mean to come off as controlling. She knew Amanda already felt like everything was out of her control, and she understood that was hard.

"Actually, I am your boss, and I'm not trying to control you. I just think you should eat," Olivia responded, a bit amused that Amanda said she wasn't her boss when she was, in fact, her lieutenant.

"So you're not controlling. You just want me to do what you think is best?" Amanda retorted.

"Amanda, I know you're upset, but this is getting a little out of hand," Olivia began, her voice still calm.

"Don't talk to me like that!" Amanda yelled.

"Like what?" Olivia asked.

"Like I'm a victim! I'm not a victim!" Amanda yelled.

"Amanda, stop yelling. You're scaring Noah," Olivia said. Amanda looked over at Noah, who was watching the argument intensely. He was a bit cowered back in his seat. She felt bad for frightening the toddler, but she still rolled her eyes, annoyed with Olivia.

"Just come, sit down, and eat. Then, we can head to the courthouse," Olivia declared.

"Stop telling me what to do!" Amanda screamed, remembering how Patton had ordered her around and how Bobby and Craig felt like they could control her. Olivia got up and approached the younger woman.

"Amanda, stop screaming. No one is upset with you. Just calm down. It's all right," Olivia tried to soothe the young blonde, sensing a little bit of fear in her. Amanda began breathing heavily. Her world was spinning out of control, and she didn't know what to do. A knock on the door relieved Amanda as Olivia would have to back off for a moment.

Olivia opened the door, and Amanda heard the greetings of two males. Seconds later, Carisi and Fin were in her sight. The three detectives approached Amanda.

"How are you doing?" Carisi asked. Amanda didn't answer, but the tears streaming down her face told them how she was doing.

"I've been trying to convince her to eat, but she's not in the mood," Olivia vaguely explained.

"Maybe a little food would be good for you. Maybe a bagel or something?" Carisi asked.

"I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry," Amanda grumbled.

"You need to eat," Olivia tried one more time.

"Stop telling me what to do!" Amanda screamed, picking up the television remote and throwing it at the wall. It made a loud thud, causing Noah to burst into tears. They had all forgotten he was even there.

"Noah, go to your room. Mommy will be there in a minute," Olivia quickly told him. The toddler hurried to his bedroom, confused about and scared of what was happening. Angered, Olivia grabbed Amanda's arm. Amanda was quick to pull away and start hitting, so Fin held Amanda's arms to her sides, causing the younger woman to panic.

"N-no! D-don't hurt me!" Amanda screamed, beginning to cry harder. Olivia's anger quickly faded as she realized Amanda had only acted out of fear.

"Let go of her, Fin," Olivia commanded. He released Amanda, and she brought her hands to her face, crying.

"Hey, it's all right. It's all right. No one's gonna hurt you," Olivia promised, gently taking the young blonde's hand and guiding her to the couch. Amanda hugged her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth.

"Hey, calm down. It's okay. No one here is going to hurt you. We're all on your side," Olivia promised. Amanda seemed to snap out of whatever trance she was in and look around. Realizing what she had just done, she cried harder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Amanda whispered out.

"I know you didn't mean to," Olivia assured her.

"I didn't mean to scare him. I really didn't. I'm sorry. Everything's so out of control," Amanda whimpered, falling apart even more.

"It's all right. He'll be fine. I know things feel out of control, but we're all here to help you," Olivia promised. Amanda continued rocking herself, unable to stop the tormenting memories of last night from flooding back to her.

"Make it stop. Make it stop," Amanda whispered.

"Make what stop?" Carisi asked, confused.

"Everything," Amanda answered, her voice still a whisper.

"Amanda, you're safe," Fin spoke up.

"He's right, Amanda. You're safe. It's over. No one is going to hurt you, and no one is mad at you. You're safe with us," Olivia soothed the young blonde. Amanda slowly began calming down, realizing nobody seemed angry. Olivia pulled Amanda into a hug.

Carisi sat on the couch. He rubbed circles in Amanda's back, promising he wouldn't hurt her. Amanda turned to Carisi and crawled into his arms. Carisi held her tight, wishing he could protect her from everything harmful in the world.

"You're all right. You're safe," he mumbled.

"Olivia, I'm really sorry for how I acted. That was stupid and immature, and I'm just so, so sorry," Amanda apologized. The squad was in Fin's car, heading to the precinct. Bobby and Craig were going to be questioned and arraigned.

"Amanda, it's all right. You're forgiven. I know you've been going through so much," Olivia assured the youngest member of the squad. The rest of the drive was silent. When they arrived at the precinct, Olivia noticed Amanda wince as she got out of the car.

"Amanda, are you all right?" Olivia asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Just a little sore," Amanda mumbled. Everyone in the squad gave her a sympathetic look, but Amanda didn't look up to notice. She felt ashamed and embarrassed about the whole situation, and having to admit that her body was sore didn't help.

The squad walked slowly for Amanda's sake. Amanda knew they were trying to walk at her pace, and, while she appreciated their care, she felt embarrassed that they needed to accommodate her. She couldn't wait for this ordeal to be over. She wanted to turn around and run. She wanted to pretend this never happened. Had this happened back in Atlanta, she very easily could've pretended it never happened, but in New York, the precinct actually cared for her. While it was nice to be loved, she was knew it was pity. They only felt sorry for her. At least, that's what she thought. She wished they would be more upfront about disliking her just like Atlanta PD had been. While it was nice to be cared for, she wished they didn't care so she could go on with her life, pretending nothing happened.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading? Following, liking, or reviewing this fanfiction! It means a lot to me! I hope you continue to enjoy this fanfiction! :)**

After a long day of questioning and arraigning Bobby D'Amico and Craig Bierko, it was about six p.m. Amanda was tired, and so was Olivia. Amanda had a panic attack right after seeing Bobby and Craig's arraignment. The panic attack caused her to shut down for a few hours after the fact.

They were both silent as Olivia drove back to her apartment. A few times, Olivia looked over at Amanda. It was easy to see the sadness on her face. _She was so done._

When they arrived at Olivia's apartment, Amanda was a bit annoyed. She didn't like that the squad wouldn't let her be alone. She didn't want to be around anyone. The shame and embarrassment was too much.

"I don't see why I still have to stay with you. I'd be just fine at my own place," Amanda spat.

"It's better this way, Amanda. I don't think you should be alone right now," Olivia explained, her voice calm and patient. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Who are _you_ to decide what's best for me? I don't really care what you think! I'd rather be alone right now!" The young blonde snapped, frustrated that she had to be supervised like a young child. Olivia chose to ignore the younger woman's outburst. They entered the apartment, and Amanda immediately began making her way towards the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked.

"To take a shower. Or do I have to ask for your permission so you can supervise me?" Amanda spat. Though her voice was clearly full of anger, her eyes held despair.

"Amanda, I'm just trying to look out for you," Olivia calmly began.

"I don't _need_ anyone to look out for me! I've been handling myself just fine, thank you very much!" Amanda retorted.

"Yeah, you've handled yourself so well, especially during your last undercover assignment!" Olivia argued, immediately regretting the words that left her mouth. She opened her mouth to take them back, but she couldn't seem to find her voice quick enough. Meanwhile, Amanda's sad eyes filled with angry tears.

"Screw you," the blonde muttered before turning and heading to the bathroom. Olivia flinched when the bathroom door slammed.

The lieutenant poured herself a glass of wine. As she headed to the living room, she decided to take the bottle with her. She sat on the couch and rested her face in her hands. She felt incredibly guilty for what she said to Amanda. Angry or not, she should not have spoken that way to her detective, and she knew it. None of what happened during that undercover assignment was Amanda's fault. It was Bobby and Craig's fault.

Meanwhile, Amanda stood in the shower with hot water raining down on her. Her skin was turning red, but she didn't care. Tears were running down her face, and sobs were escaping from her mouth. The words Olivia said to her were too cold, even for the lieutenant. While Olivia had been harsh with Amanda in the past, the young blonde didn't expect such a low blow from her lieutenant. Amanda already knew the rape was all her fault. She didn't need Olivia to remind her. She poured more shampoo than needed in her hair. After rinsing her hair, she covered her body with about half a bar of soap. She scrubbed her skin raw. She wasn't even sure how long she'd be in the shower. The hot water was burning her skin, but she didn't care. She took it as a punishment for what happened to her. Besides, she felf the need to get clean.

When she finally got out of the shower, she forced her sobs to stop, not wanting Olivia to hear her. She dried her body and her hair before putting on some sweats. Her face was puffy from crying, and her skin was red from the heat of the water. Amanda was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

She entered the living room and found Olivia sitting on the couch. There was a bottle of wine next to the glass. The bottle was pretty full, but the glass had been emptied twice. Olivia's eyes widened with shock and concern upon looking at Amanda.

"Amanda, your skin is so red!" Olivia noticed. Amanda shrugged.

"Why did you have the water on so hot?" Olivia questioned, wondering what was going through the young blonde's head. Amanda shrugged again, deciding against telling her lieutenant that she was punishing and cleaning herself at the same time with the hot water. Something told her Olivia would not like that answer.

"I'm fine," Amanda mumbled.

"You're not fine, Amanda! Stop insisting that you are when you're clearly not!" Olivia raised her voice.

"Stop insisting that you care when you clearly don't!" Amanda snarled. Olivia took a deep breath.

"I _do_ care, Amanda," Olivia responded in a softer tone. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"No, you don't. Nobody does," Amanda spat. Olivia's heart sank.

"Amanda, that's not true. All of us at SVU care about you," Olivia replied. Amanda scoffed.

"Look, I know you're going through a lot, but you're not alone. Carisi, Fin, and I all care about you very much," Olivia stated.

"Well, you shouldn't. It's not worth pursuing," Amanda grumbled.

"Your justice is definitely worth pursuing, Amanda," Olivia argued, her voice soft. She felt horrible that Amanda didn't think she was worth it.

"Justice? I don't deserve justice. Like you said, it's my fault anyway since I can't handle myself," Amanda spat.

"I shouldn't have said that to you, and I am so, so sorry. It's not true. That wasn't your fault, and I know very well you can take care of yourself," Olivia apologized.

"You know what? You seem to think the rape was everyone's fault, except yours. _You_ told me to go undercover. _You_ didn't double check to make sure all of our equipment worked correctly. _You_ lost visuals on me. _You_ didn't send back up in as soon as your visual went dead. _You_ weren't watching out for me like it was your job," Amanda accused, ignoring Olivia's apology.

"Amanda, you know as well as I do that was happened was not your fault, and it was not my fault," Olivia argued, her voice trembling with both anger and guilt. No, it wasn't Olivia's fault, but she still blamed herself.

"Do I?" Amanda asked, her voice low and cold. Amanda didn't blame Olivia for the rape. She didn't even completely blame the rapists. Amanda blamed herself.

"Good night," Olivia muttered, pushing pass Amanda and going to check on her sleeping son.

The guilt kept Amanda up for hours. Even if she hadn't feel guilty, she most likely still would've forced herself to stay up in order to avoid any nightmares. She had maybe slept until midnight. She hadn't meant what she said to Olivia. She didn't blame Olivia in any way for what took place. Amanda was just angry. She was about to break down emotionally, and she didn't feel safe appearing vulnerable in front of others. Her defense mechanism was to be snarky, so she argued until Olivia gave up. She saw the light go out of Olivia's eyes when Amanda blamed her for the rape. Olivia was trying to apologize to Amanda, and Amanda turned on her.

 _I don't deserve anyone's kindness._ Amanda thought to herself. Tears streamed down her face. To say she felt worthless was an understatement.

 _I deserve what happened_ _to me. I deserved to be raped. I deserved it when Patton did it to me, and I deserved it when Bobby did it to me. I deserved it from Craig, even though he didn't quite get the chance. I don't deserve Olivia's kindness, or anyone else's. I deserve every reprimand I get. I deserve it every time someone, including my boss, berates me. I don't deserve love._ Amanda thought to herself as she choked back a sob. She decided she needed to punish herself. She glanced at the clock to see that it wasn't even three in the morning yet. She stood up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.

Amanda wanted to take another hot shower. She wanted the water to burn her clean. She wanted to the pain of the burn to punish her. However, she was afraid that a shower would wake Olivia. Instead, she dug around the cabinets in search for a razor. When she finally found one, she broke the blade out of it. Her first thought was to slash her wrists. She made one cut in her wrist before realizing someone would be able to see it. Instead, she lifted her shirt and cut her sides. She cut her outer thighs and her upper waist, right below her stomach. She didn't even realize how loud she was crying until she heard a knock on the door.

"Amanda, are you okay?" Olivia called. The only response Olivia received was a strangled sob Amanda tried to choke back.

"I'm coming in, okay?" Olivia informed the younger woman. She opened the door, relieved it wasn't locked.

She gasped at the sight. Amanda had blood oozing from where she had cut herself. Tears were streaming down her face. Amanda let out another sob. Her body was trembling. The pain in Amanda's eyes broke Olivia's heart, and she had to fight her own tears.

"Amanda," Olivia finally managed to whisper. Olivia stepped closer to the young blonde. Amanda let out another sob.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda whispered out over and over again. She braced herself for a harsh reprimand from her lieutenant. She hung her head in even more shame than before, unable to look at the older woman. She was surprised when the first thing Olivia did was hug her.

"Just yell at me, and get it over with," Amanda whimpered.

 _She's grown that used to me yelling at her?_ Olivia wondered.

"I'm not gonna yell at you. I'm not mad. Don't apologize," Olivia responded, her voice calming and soothing. She gently took the razor blade from Amanda's hand and tossed it in the waste basket.

"I'm sorry for breaking your razor," Amanda whispered.

"Amanda, I'm not mad about that," Olivia assured her. She grabbed a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some cotton balls.

"This might sting a little, so I apologize in advance," Olivia informed the crying woman.

"It's fine. I deserve the sting," Amanda responded, exhaustion and despair laced in her voice. Olivia's heart sank. She cleaned Amanda's cuts, apologizing each time Amanda winced or flinched. Then, she lead Amanda back to the bed.

"Can you tell me why you did that?" Olivia asked, her voice soft and nonjudgmental. She was so patient with the young detective. After a few seconds, the blonde broke down.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or blame you for what happened. None of it was your fault. I blamed you when you were just trying to apologize to me. I don't deserve any of your kindness. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Amanda sobbed, feeling guilty and a little scared. She had messed up again, and she feared Olivia would kick her out of her apartment this very second. She feared Olivia would take her shield. Olivia couldn't fight back her tears this time. They welled up in her eyes and slid down her face.

"Amanda, this wasn't your fault. None of it was. Don't apologize to me. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly. I should be the one who's sorry. I had no right to imply that what happened was your fault. I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized, genuinely sorry.

"P-please, d-d-don't t-take my shield," Amanda whispered out after a few seconds. Olivia didn't get the chance to respond before Amanda spoke again.

"Please. I-I'm sorry I didn't do this u-underc-cover m-mission right, a-and I'm sorry for being so d-disrespectful. It won't happen again. Just, please, please, don't take my shield," Amanda begged her lieutenant.

"Don't apologize anymore. The undercover mission went wrong, but that was not your fault in any way, shape, or form. Do you understand me? As for your shield, I'm not taking it away. You definitely have to take some time off to heal, but you're not losing your job," Olivia comforted the younger woman.

"Thank you," was all Amanda could whisper through her tears.

"Now, I really need to know what lead you to hurt yourself," Olivia stated, her tone serious, but loving.


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda was sitting on the bed with Olivia sitting next to her. Olivia had an arm wrapped around her youngest detective, wanting her to feel safe. Amanda usually objected to being touched, but she allowed it this one time as she was too tired to fight. Besides, the embrace did help her feel a little more secured.

"Just take your time," Olivia said in a soft voice. Amanda inhaled a shaky breath as she searched for words.

"I-I just c-couldn't st-stop," Amanda responded after a few seconds.

"Couldn't stop what?" Olivia asked, now confused.

"The thoughts," Amanda whimpered. Olivia stroked the younger woman's hair.

"What happened... it-it's all my f-fault. I-I shouldn't have bl-blamed you," Amanda continued.

"You shouldn't blame yourself either," Olivia informed the young detective. Amanda sniffled and inhaled another shaky breath. When she exhaled, she attempted and failed to choke back a sob. Olivia hugged her tighter.

"It's all right. You're okay. You're safe now," Olivia soothed the young blonde.

Amanda had never been one to cry. She had never been one to show any weakness. Vulnerability was not a trait Amanda allowed anyone to see. The young woman didn't even realize how vulnerable she really was. She held back everything. She never showed her true emotions. No one knew what she feared because her eyes never hinted any fear. No one knew what made her sad because she never cried. No one even knew what made her happy because she never smiled. She kept a straight face. While she tended to go against authority, she usually respected anyone who was superior to her. Amanda kept herself, revealing few details about her past and present. She only revealed things when it was necessary.

This was the first time Olivia realized how much Amanda bottled up. Amanda didn't trust anyone to help her, and she didn't want anyone's pity, so she didn't say anything about her problems. To see her now, bruised up and afraid, was not something Olivia ever expected to see. It broke her heart to see how sad and anxious the younger woman was. Olivia thought back to earlier when Amanda expressed her anticipation of Olivia yelling at her. Olivia couldn't help but wonder if anger was the only emotion anyone ever expressed towards Amanda. Had the young blonde been so abused that she expected reprimands even when she was the victim? Olivia blamed herself too. She knew she had been hard on the young detective in the past, underestimating her abilities and scolding her constantly, but that needed to change. Amanda didn't deserve such harsh treatment. She shouldn't have to feel like everything is her fault.

"Why did you hurt yourself, Amanda?" Olivia finally asked.

"I-I needed to p-punish myself," Amanda whispered, finally admitting what lead her to take a blade to her skin. Upon admitting the truth, Amanda let out another sob.

Amanda mentally scolded herself for telling her lieutenant the truth. Olivia already thought she was pathetic. Olivia was probably searching for a reason to take Amanda's shield. Confiding in others never worked out in Amanda's favor. Since she was a child, Amanda learned to rely only on herself. She didn't trust anybody to help her, and, as a result, she learned never to reveal much about herself. She didn't want to show anyone her own vulnerability.

"Why would you need to punish yourself?" Olivia wondered. Remembering the lessons she learned as a child, Amanda bit her tongue. She wasn't about to reveal anything else. It was nobody's business.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked when the younger woman didn't respond after a moment. Olivia put two fingers under Amanda's chin and forced the blonde to look at her.

"Can you tell me why you needed to punish yourself?" Olivia questioned, her voice soft and caring.

"Leave me alone," Amanda whispered.

"Amanda, you're in pain. You're hurting. Let me help you," Olivia pleaded.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine," Amanda argued.

"Sweetheart, there are tears in your eyes and self inflicted wounds on your body," Olivia reminded the young blonde.

"I'm fine. I'll get over it. Just leave me alone," Amanda snapped. Olivia sighed at Amanda's reluctance to accept help. She placed a comforting hand on Amanda's shoulder, but the younger woman purposely jerked away at the contact. Realizing she couldn't get anything more out of Amanda, Olivia decided they should both try to get a few more hours of sleep.

"You need help, Amanda. And there is nothing wrong with needing help. It's okay to trust someone. Not everyone is going to betray you. Not everyone is out to hurt you," Olivia softly told the young blonde. Amanda gave no response, and Olivia exited the room, unsure if Amanda heard her genuine words.

Olivia returned to the couch. Her head hit the pillow, and her eyes begged to close. However, Olivia's thoughts would not allow her to fall back asleep yet. She knew it was difficult for Amanda to trust, and she knew Amanda was ashamed of the entire situation. She wished Amanda would understand the shame didn't belong to her; it belonged to Bobby and Craig. Amanda shouldn't have to carry the weight of something that was not her fault. Finally, exhaustion won the fight against Olivia's thoughts, and the brunette fell asleep.

 _You_ _need help, Amanda. And there is nothing wrong with needing help. It's okay to trust someone. Not everyone is going to betray you. Not everyone is out to hurt you._ The words replayed in Amanda's mind over and over as though she was trying to convince herself they were true. Olivia had spoken those words an hour ago, and Amanda still couldn't decide if she believed them or not. Trusting others never worked out in Amanda's favor, but Olivia seemed genuine. As exhaustion took over, Amanda hoped her subconscious would figure out what the right thing to do was.

Amanda's eyes opened just after six in the morning. Though she was exhausted, she tried and failed to fall back asleep. She remembered the previous few hours, sobbing, self harming, Olivia pleading for her to accept help, and Amanda's false hope that her subconscious would somehow figure out how to handle the situation. While her subconscious did no such thing, the young blonde woke up with her decision.

She quietly got up from the bed. Olivia had offered her bed to Amanda with the hope Amanda would sleep more comfortably. Not much sleep happened, but Amanda supposed she would rather cry in a soft bed than on the couch. She fixed the bed before studying her features in the bathroom mirror. Her face still had bruises, not that Amanda expected them to disappear in two days, but she was disappointed in her appearance. No one would see her as strong and resilient. They would see her as vulnerable and hurt. Amanda quietly exited the bedroom. She looked over at the couch to see her lieutenant in a deep sleep. She felt guilty for waking Olivia up in the middle of the night. The young blonde exited the apartment.

She groaned when the cold air hit her, and she realized she didn't have her car since Olivia drove her. Letting out a deep sigh, Amanda began walking. After walking for about three blocks, she realized she didn't want to walk a few miles to her apartment. She hailed a cab and had the driver bring her to her own apartment.

When she entered the apartment, she immediately heard the bark of a dog. She jumped before realizing it was Frannie. Guilt hit her. Her dog hadn't been fed the day before because Amanda forgot about her with all the events that had taken place. Guilty tears welled up in her eyes as she realized her dog hadn't eaten or had much water to drink in thirty six hours. She pulled her dog into a hug, sobbing apologies. Frannie seemed to sense her owner's discomfort and proceeded to lick Amanda's face as though she were telling Amanda she forgave her. Amanda immediately filled Frannie's bowl with food and her water bowl with water. Frannie dug in quickly, adding to Amanda's guilt. While Frannie ate, Amanda decided to take a shower. Once again, she made the water too hot, but she made no attempt to fix it. After her shower, she dried off and put on some sweats.

The young blonde went to sit on the couch with her dog. She didn't bother to turn on the television. She sat in silence, petting her dog and finding comfort in that. She glanced over at her phone to see she had four missed calls. She had six text messages. Each call and text were from Olivia. Olivia left three messages on Amanda's phone, asking her to call back. Each text message expressed concern for the blonde's whereabouts. Her phone started flashing again, and it was a fifth call from Olivia. Amanda hesitated before sighing and answering the phone.

"R-Rollins?" Amanda answered, her voice quiet.

"Amanda! Where are you?! I woke up, and you weren't here! You haven't answered any of my messages!" Olivia yelled. Her tone wasn't angry though; it was worried.

"I-I'm sorry. I needed to leave. I was in the shower," Amanda responded, timidly.

"Where are you? I was so worried about you," Olivia told the younger woman.

"I'm at my apartment. You don't need to worry about me. I'm fine," Amanda said, surprised her lieutenant was so concerned. She heard Olivia sigh.

"Why did you leave? I don't feel comfortable with you staying by yourself," Olivia informed the young blonde.

"Because I'm fine. I don't need you or anyone supervising me. You keep asking questions that I don't wanna answer. You don't feel comfortable with me staying by myself? Well, I don't feel comfortable staying with _you_!" Amanda shot back. She knew she was coming off harsh, but she didn't like the way her lieutenant was treating. Olivia was always berating her, and now, she was pitying the younger woman because she was a victim of rape. Olivia questioned her so much, and Amanda didn't trust Olivia or anyone else enough to give any answers.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I won't ask you anymore questions if it makes you that uncomfortable, but I would feel better if you stayed with someone," Olivia responded, calmly. Amanda was taken back by the patience in Olivia's voice.

"I would feel better if I didn't stay with anyone," Amanda retorted, her voice a bit softer.

"Well, that's not up for debate," Olivia decided.

"What? You're forcing me to stay with you? You can't _make_ me stay with you," Amanda spat.

"If you don't want to stay with me, fine. But you're not saying by yourself. I'm sending Carisi over to your apartment," Olivia answered, beginning to lose her patience, but doing her best not to show it.

"What if I'm not at my apartment when he gets here?" Amanda challenged, deciding she could just leave.

"Amanda, I am trying to do what's best for you. From what I saw last night, it's not in your best interest to stay alone. You want to keep your shield? That can't happen if you don't get better," Olivia explained. Amanda sighed.

"I've been on my own all my life. I've gotten through so much without the help of other people. I've handled assaults just fine. I don't see why this time is any different," Amanda grumbled.

"Assaults? This isn't the first time?" Olivia questioned.

"Never mind. That's not what I meant," Amanda stated, quickly. She mentally scolded herself for letting that detail slip.

"What _did_ you mean?" Olivia asked.

"Nothing. You said you'd stop questioning me," Amanda reminded her lieutenant.

"All right, then. Carisi will be there soon," Olivia declared before hanging up the phone.


	6. Chapter 6

Fin knocked on Amanda's front door for the third time. He knew she was in there. She was simply reluctant to accept any help from anyone. Besides, Amanda didn't want to let a man inside in her apartment. What if he tried to attack her?

"Rollins!" Fin called, knocking again.

"What?!" Amanda snapped, opening the door.

"Nice to see you too," Fin declared.

"What are you doing here?" Amanda asked, clearly annoyed.

"Liv sent me. She doesn't want you to be alone," Fin explained.

"I don't really care what she wants. I'm fine by myself. I don't need to be babysat," Amanda spat. A part of her regretted leaving Liv's place. She didn't want to stay with her lieutenant, but it would be better than staying with a man.

"And I thought she was sending Carisi," Amanda added.

"She was, but she decided you'd rather be with your partner instead of Carisi. And I'm not here to babysit you. I'm here as a friend. You shouldn't have to be alone right now," Fin responded.

"Well, I don't want you here," Amanda growled.

"Do you want Carisi here instead?" Fin asked. He didn't ask in a rude or teasing way. He genuinely wanted Amanda to be around who she was most comfortable with.

"No! I don't want anyone here!" Amanda yelled.

"That's not exactly a choice. Carisi, Liv, or myself need to be with you. We want to be with you. We don't want you going through this alone," Fin tried to get Amanda to understand.

"I go through everything alone. Nothing needs to change," Amanda grumbled.

"You shouldn't go through everything alone. Why would you not come to one of us? Or at least me. I'm your partner. Why would you not come to me?" Fin questioned.

"Because it's nobody's business," Amanda spat.

"Well, if you don't wanna talk, I can't make you. But I can't leave either," Fin stated. Amanda rolled her eyes before allowing him inside. She slammed the door shut, still frustrated that he came over and Liv wouldn't just leave her alone.

"Look, I know you're stressed out, but would it kill you to at least pretend you're happy to see me?" Fin joked. He placed a hand on her shoulder, feeling guilty when she flinched away.

"Well, I'm not happy to see you," Amanda growled. Amanda immediately felt guilty. He was only trying to be a good friend. He was only obeying his lieutenant's orders. He probably didn't want to be there anymore than Amanda did.

"I'm sorry," the young blonde sighed.

"Don't be. I know you're under a lot of stress," Fin assured her. Amanda went to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of wine. Fin became worried when she immediately started drinking from the bottle.

"Hey, how about we order a pizza and watch a movie?" Fin suggested, gently taking the bottle of wine from his partner.

"I'd much rather get drunk and forget," Amanda answered without missing a beat.

"I'm sure you would, but getting drunk isn't going to fix this. Yeah, you'll forget, but you'll eventually sober up and be even more upset than before," Fin reasoned. He saw her eyes gloss over, but she fought the tears back.

"Not if I don't stop drinking," Amanda whispered, her voice cold and pained. She reached for the bottle in Fin's hand, but he simply held it back and dumped it down the drain.

"Why did you do that?!" Amanda screamed, desperately wanting to forget what happened to her.

"Amanda, there are other ways to deal with this," Fin calmly responded.

"I know, but none of them work as fast as alcohol," Amanda whispered.

"Go sit on the couch and find a movie. I'll order pizza. I know you want to forget, and you need to try to find a way to do that without alcohol," Fin decided. Amanda sighed before giving in and heading to the living room.

Fin and Amanda were sitting on the couch. They were watching Pitch Perfect. It wasn't Amanda's favorite movie, but it was light and funny.

Fin ate two slices of pizza, while Amanda didn't even finish one. Amanda was barely paying attention to the movie. She couldn't get her mind off of what Bobby and Craig did to her. The more she thought about it, the more uncomfortable she was sitting next to Fin. A part of her knew Fin wouldn't hurt her or make her do anything she didn't want to do, but another part of her feared the exact opposite.

Amanda's breathing grew unsteady, and she started fidgeting. She didn't even notice she was doing it until Fin asked her what was wrong. He tried to pull her into a hug, but she flinched away from him, and he realized what was going on.

"Hey, calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you. You know that," Fin soothed her. Amanda nodded, feeling ashamed for being momentarily afraid of her own partner.

"I know. I'm sorry," Amanda whispered.

"Don't worry," Fin said. Amanda scooted back next to him.

"You're safe here," Fin promised. Amanda's eyes started to droop, and Fin watched her fall asleep. Her body let go of the tension she was holding and relaxed. He wished she always felt that peaceful. He hated seeing his partner unhappy.

The movie had ended about a half hour ago, but Amanda was asleep, and he didn't want to wake. He figured she wasn't getting enough sleep these days. He decided it best not to wake her or even more for fear his movement could wake her. He, instead, sat on the couch, preparing himself to fall asleep in a sitting position.

The peaceful moments didn't last long though. Amanda started whimpering in her sleep. She was begging the men in her dreams not to hurt her.

"Stop. Stop. Please," she whimpered. She was stirring a bit, and her whimpers were getting louder.

"Ow!" She yelped. She started fighting invisible attackers. Judging by her continuous pleas and whimpers, Fin figured she was losing the fight. She began shielding her face with her hands, trying to prevent incoming blows from coming in contact with her face.

"Amanda. Amanda, wake up. You're dreaming. Wake up," Fin said, slightly shaking her. Amanda began to squirm, trying to escape from whoever was hurting her.

"No, please, don't! Don't hurt me! Please!" She suddenly sobbed.

"Amanda, please, wake up!" Fin pleaded, raising his voice. He continued shaking her, hoping the movement would pull her out of her nightmare.

Amanda's eyes shot open, and she glanced around the room. When she realized she was so close to a man, she scrambled away from him. Even though Fin was definitely not a predator, Amanda was still afraid of him. She started backing from him, keeping her hands up so she could shield her face if a punch or a slap was thrown in her direction.

"Amanda, it's okay," Fin promised, stepping closer to her.

"No! St-stay aw-way! Please! Please, don't hurt me! Stay away!" Amanda cried, backing into a corner and sliding down. She began rocking herself back and forth.

"Amanda, it's all right. I would never hurt you. What can I do to make you feel safe?" Fin asked.

"I want Liv! Please, get her! Please! She won't let anyone hurt me!" Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, I won't let anyone hurt you either. I'll go call Liv," Fin tried to comfort the young woman.

"No, don't! Don't call her!" Amanda yelled.

"I thought you wanted me to get her?" Fin asked, confused.

"No. She'll be mad that I yelled at her earlier. She won't help me. I've screwed up too much," Amanda shakily explained.

"Amanda, she won't be mad at you. I'm going to call her," Fin decided.

"No, don't!" Amanda begged.

"Amanda, you're going to be more comfortable with a girl right now. You won't even let me near you. I want you to feel safe," Fin explained. Amanda continued to sob, still shaken up from her nightmare and fearing someone would attack her. When Amanda's sobs grew louder, Fin stepped closer to her again. He continued walking towards her until he was only a few inches away. When Amanda realized he was close to her, she panicked.

"Get away! Get away! I don't want to! Please, don't make me!" She cried, scrambling further into the corner as though it could provide her with safety. Memories of Patton attacking her, and memories of Bobby and Craig attacking her tormented the young blonde.

"Amanda, I'm your partner. I won't hurt you. I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, okay?" Fin tried to assure his partner. Amanda continued to cry, and Fin realized he wouldn't be able to calm her down. She realized Fin would never harm her, but that didn't stop the stream of tears from making its way down her face. Fin stepped into the kitchen, still keeping an eye on his partner. He grabbed his phone and called the lieutenant.

"Benson," she answered after two rings.

"Liv, I need you to get over here," Fin responded. Olivia sat up.

"Fin? What's going on?" She asked.

"Rollins had a nightmare. She panicked and is sitting in the corner, crying. She won't let me near her. I asked what I could do to help her. She wanted you, but she also didn't want you. She's worried you're mad at her over the argument you two had earlier," Fin explained. He heard the lieutenant sigh.

"Poor thing. I'll be there in fifteen," Olivia assured her detective.

Fin heard Amanda yelp when somebody knocked on the door. He quickly answered it, knowing it was Olivia. Olivia entered the apartment, searching for Amanda.

"She's in the corner," Fin mumbled, pointing to the living room.

Olivia hurried to the corner of the living room. Amanda had her legs hugged to her chest. She was sobbing.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia whispered. She approached the younger woman.

"Amanda, it's all right," Olivia raised her voice to a normal volume. Amanda's head shot up at Olivia's voice. Olivia knelt down in front of the young blonde.

"Hey, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you. Did you have a nightmare?" Olivia questioned. Amanda nodded her head, and Olivia figured it must've been pretty intense for Amanda to react this way.

"All right. Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head. Olivia gave a slight nod.

"Would you feel better if I stay the night with you?" Olivia wondered. Amanda hesitated before nodding, feeling ashamed.

"All right," Olivia agreed. She stood up and walked over to Fin.

"You can head home. My neighbor has Noah. I'll ask her to stay the night," Olivia informed Fin.

"She all right?" Fin asked, worried about his partner.

"She's got a long road," Olivia responded. Fin nodded. He gave his partner a sympathetic look before exiting the apartment.

"Hey, Amanda? Why don't you head to bed? I'll take the couch," Olivia decided. She wanted to talk to Amanda about her nightmare, but there was no way she was getting any answers out of the exhausted and ashamed blonde.

Amanda didn't utter a word, but she nodded. Her eyes looked blank as though she was barely there. Olivia hoped it was just exhaustion, but a part of her knew Amanda was beginning to shut down.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: hi, everyone! I don't think this was stated before, so I am stating it now for your information: this isn't really a romance fanfiction. It will have some romance, but that's more of a side plot, I guess you could say. Anyway, there will be Rollisi, though like I said, it's not the main point. Thank you so much for all of the support on this fanfiction! I very much appreciate it! :) xx**

It was close to four in the morning when Amanda's cries pulled Olivia out of her slumber. She looked around the living room, momentarily forgetting she wasn't in her own apartment. When she finally became aware of her surroundings, she hopped off of the couch and hurried to the only bedroom in the apartment.

When Olivia entered the bedroom, she found Amanda, tossing and turning. She was crying and trying to fight off an invisible attacker. She begged them to leave her alone, but, seeing as she didn't calm down, it wasn't working. Olivia approached the young blonde.

"Amanda. Amanda, sweetie, wake up. You're having a bad dream. You need to wake up," Olivia said, her voice gentle. Olivia's words didn't even seem to make it into Amanda's ears. Amanda continued fighting an invisible attacked. Her arms were flailing, and she was kicking her legs. Olivia took a deep breath, knowing her actions may only worsen the situation, but she didn't know what else to do.

"Amanda, wake up! Please, wake up!" Olivia raised her voice as she began shaking the young blonde. The hope was that the physical contact would pull Amanda from her nightmare. The fear was that it was frighten her even more.

"Stop! Get away!" Amanda sobbed, hitting Olivia in the face. The hit wasn't painful, but Olivia was still surprised at how hard the sleeping blonde could hit. She felt bad for Amanda as she realized how much fear she must be in to hit that hard while sleeping.

"I'm not gonna hurt you! You need to wake up!" Olivia pleaded. She gently held Amanda's arms down to avoid another hit. Amanda let out a cry when her arms were held down.

"Wake up, Amanda! It's only a dream!" Olivia raised her voice, gently shaking the blonde. Amanda's eyes finally shot open, and she sat up. She brought her knees to her chest, and her breathing grew unsteady.

"Hey, hey, you're okay. You're okay. It was just a dream. You're safe," Olivia tried to soothe the younger woman. Amanda glanced around the room, taking in her surroundings.

"Wh-where's Fin?" Amanda finally asked.

"He left earlier. Remember?" Olivia reminded her. The memories of only a few hours ago came flooding back to Amanda. She felt embarrassed for how she reacted after her nightmare when Fin woke her up.

I'm so pathetic. They're not supposed to know how weak I actually am. Liv is probably annoyed that I made her drive all the way over here. Amanda mentally scolded herself. Olivia noticed Amanda felt ashamed about making Fin leave over a nightmare. She placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I know it's been rough. Nightmares can feel very real. You didn't do anything wrong," Olivia tried to assure her detective. Amanda was trembling.

"I-I didn't w-want th-that to h-happen," Amanda cried through a shaking voice.

"Oh, sweetheart, I know. I know you didn't want it. I'm so sorry it happened," Olivia spoke in a soft voice. She pulled the young detective into a hug, but the blonde squirmed out of her arms.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head.

"Talking about it sometimes helps," Olivia informed the younger woman.

"No," Amanda muttered.

"All right, then. Let's try to go back to sleep," Olivia suggested. Amanda nodded, and Olivia stood up from the bed.

"Are you leaving?" Amanda asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm going to the living room," Olivia told her. Amanda nodded.

"Would rather I stay here?" Olivia questioned. Amanda shook her head.

"I can stay if you want, so you won't be alone," Olivia offered, not wanting a nightmare to prevent Amanda from getting any more sleep.

"I don't want _you_ to stay here," Amanda spat.

Olivia sighed, trying to push down her feelings of frustration. She understood Amanda was going through a lot, but it was tiring running to her aid only to be pushed away. She dealt with agitated victims in the past, but Amanda was one of her detectives, and Olivia felt partially responsible for what happened.

"Frannie!" Amanda called. The dog jumped onto the bed, and Amanda hugged her.

"Good night," Olivia mumbled before exiting the room.

Olivia was making a pot of coffee, knowing both herself and Amanda would like to have caffeine in their systems before another long day. Olivia was tired from the lack of sleep, and she was emotionally drained.

If I'm doing this bad, I hate to imagine how Amanda must be feeling. Olivia thought to herself.

Olivia checked her phone to see if she had missed any messages. There were five text messages. One was from Fin. He wanted to make sure Amanda was all right after last night. The other four were from Carisi. He was very worried about Amanda's emotional state. He cared a lot for her. Olivia only sent him a vague text, stating that Amanda had a rough night. She texted the same thing to Fin.

A few minutes later, Amanda entered the kitchen. The dark circles under eyes proved her exhaustion, and the puffiness of her eyes proved her pain. She looked annoyed to see Olivia in the kitchen, and she wished Fin was there instead. At this point, she'd even prefer Carisi over Olivia.

"Good morning, Amanda," Olivia greeted. Amanda barely even acknowledged the greeting before sitting down. Olivia handed her a cup of coffee, and Amanda didn't so much as a mumble a thank you.

"Did you sleep all right after the, you know, the nightmare?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Amanda muttered.

"I think it would help if we talked about it," Olivia stated.

"I don't really _care_ what you think," Amanda spat.

"Amanda, I know you're tired, but please. I'm trying to help you," Olivia reminded her.

"I don't _need_ your help," Amanda shot back.

"Then, why am I here, Amanda?!" Olivia finally snapped.

"Because Fin called you! I told him not to!" Amanda raised her voice.

"Yeah, and you know what he said? He said you wanted me here," Olivia informed the detective.

"I didn't want you here. I just wanted a girl here so I wouldn't have to be around men. You're the one who doesn't trust me to be alone. If it were up to me, _neither_ of you would've come over in the first place," Amanda growled.

"You're afraid of men?" Olivia questioned, her voice soft. She disregarded everything else Amanda said. Her ears seemed to only take in the part about not wanting to be around men.

"No, I just had a nightmare and was freaked out. I'm fine," Amanda groaned.

"Honey, I know you're going through a lot. You don't seem fine to me," Olivia said.

"I just want to be left alone," Amanda whispered, trying to fight back tears. Olivia pulled her into a hug, but Amanda shoved her away. Olivia stumbled back, but regained her balance and avoided falling.

"I said I want to be left alone!" Amanda screamed.

"Well, that's not an option right now, Amanda," Olivia declared, her voice firm. She was losing her patience with Amanda.

"You shouldn't be in charge of _my_ options!" Amanda yelled.

"I'm just trying to help you!" Olivia raised her voice.

"No, you're just trying to clear your conscience!" Amanda argued.

"What are you talking about?!" Olivia snapped.

"You! This isn't about helping me! This is about _you_ feeling better about yourself! All you ever do is berate me! You yell at me for everything! You bully me around all the time! If you're in a bad mood, I just know I'm going to have a bad day because you'll take it out on me! Actually, the entire squad knows they'll have a bad day if you're in a mood! I just seem to be your favorite target! All I am is your verbal punching bag, but now that I'm a victim, you suddenly feel guilty and want to make up for it! Well, guess what?! You can't make up for it!" Amanda screamed, finally letting out what she'd been holding in for so long.

Olivia was shocked at Amanda's outburst. She didn't realize Amanda felt that terrible. She didn't realize Amanda felt bullied by her. It had never been Olivia's intention to verbally harass her youngest detective or any of her detectives for that matter. Did the entire squad really feel bullied by their lieutenant?

Amanda's eyes were glued to the floor. She knew Olivia hated when anybody talked back to her, and she was waiting to be reprimanded. While it felt good to finally get it off her chest, she knew Olivia was going to be angry. Amanda just never seemed to do anything right.

"Amanda, I," Olivia began, placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. She was interrupted when the young blonde quickly flinched away at the physical contact.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you've felt so targeted by me. I had no idea. I didn't ever mean to make you feel cornered. I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized. She didn't know what else to do besides apologize. She was at a loss for words. This truly was news to her. She had no idea her youngest detective felt so attacked.

"Yeah, whatever," Amanda mumbled. She walked back to her bedroom, and Olivia flinched when she heard the door slam shut.

Olivia decided to give Amanda space. She checked her phone again, and there were three new text messages. One was from Fin, expressing his sadness for Amanda. The other two were from Carisi. He also expressed his sadness, and he asked for more information about Amanda's difficult night. He added that he wanted to see Amanda. Olivia ignored all of the text messages. She couldn't get her mind off of what Amanda said to her. She knew they needed to talk about it, but she didn't know when. She waited a half hour before deciding to check on her detective. She knocked on the door, but no one answered. Olivia could only hear soft cries. She opened the door and found Amanda curled up on the bed. She didn't seem to notice Olivia enter the room. Olivia slowly approached the younger woman.

"Amanda," Olivia spoke in a soft voice. She placed a hand on the young blonde's arm. Amanda jerked away.

"No! I don't want to!" she screamed.

"Amanda, Amanda! It's me, Olivia," the older woman quickly explained. Amanda opened her eyes, which made it easier for the tears to spill from her eyes and make their way down her face.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't be. I know this is a difficult time," Olivia assured her.

"I-I didn't mean what I said earlier. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please, don't be mad at me. I was just upset. I swear, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry," Amanda apologized. Olivia was surprised by the blonde's apology.

"I think you did mean it," Olivia responded.

"No, really, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda continued apologizing, her voice filled with fear.

"Amanda, if you're worried that I'm going to punish you over that outburst, don't be. You're not facing any command discipline. You're not in trouble for being upset at the way you've been treated," Olivia promised.

"Please, don't leave me with Fin or Carisi," Amanda whispered.

"I won't, but they aren't going to hurt you, Amanda," Olivia told her.

"I know. I just-I'm not ready," Amanda admitted. Olivia pulled her detective into a hug.

"Carisi's been pretty worried about you. I know you're not ready to be alone with any men, but would it be okay if he came over? I won't leave you alone with him," Olivia promised.


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia, Amanda, and Carisi were sitting on the couch in the young blonde's living room. Amanda agreed to Carisi coming over under the condition that Olivia would not leave her side. She knew Carisi would not harm her, but she still didn't feel too comfortable around men at this point in time.

"So, how are you feeling, Amanda?" Carisi wondered.

"Okay, I guess," Amanda mumbled.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Carisi asked. Amanda shook her head.

"I know it's been rough, but," Carisi began, but was cut off by the young blonde.

"Carisi, I really don't want to talk. I'm so tired. I just want you to watch tv with me and not leave me alone," Amanda admitted, exhaustion evident in her voice.

"All right. I can do that," he smiled, turning the television on. The lieutenant and male detective were delighted when Amanda inched closer to Carisi. He carefully put his arm around her, and she didn't flinch away.

The three of them stared at the television screen as a rerun of The Golden Girls played. However, the three of them had zoned out, pondering different things.

Carisi was concerned for Amanda's wellbeing. He wondered if she was eating enough. It was obvious she wasn't sleeping enough. He hoped she would soon open up to him. He understood trust was out of Amanda's comfort zone, especially after the recent events. He was glad she felt safe enough to sit next to him and allow him to wrap his arm around her. She didn't want a therapist right now; she wanted a friend, and Carisi was more than happy to be that friend.

Olivia was concerned about Amanda's earlier outburst. She accused her lieutenant of practically being a workplace bully. Olivia had certainly never seen herself that way before. She knew she was strict and passionate about what she did, but not cruel or unfair. She was by the book, and she hated when anyone defied her. She wondered if Amanda had been correct claiming the squad knew they were in for a bad day if she was in a bad mood. Did they really feel as though Olivia would take her anger or pain out on them? She was saddened to learn that Amanda felt especially targeted by her own boss. She had never meant to berate Amanda or cause her to feel insecure. It wasn't her goal to hurt the youngest detective with verbal abuse. Looking back, she could see how her words and actions could've been misinterpreted, but she was never intentionally cruel.

Amanda was concerned about a few things. She hoped Carisi didn't find her pathetic for wanting his comfort. She worried she would face repercussions from Olivia for her outburst. She feared Bobby and Craig would get away with what they did to her and to other women.

Carisi was always happy and kind, and Amanda appreciated his positivity. Though she didn't want to admit it, she felt safe around him. She thought it would be a long while until she felt comfortable around men, but she felt very comfortable with Carisi. She trusted him not to pry her for details, and to be there for her. She trusted him not to take advantage of her, and to do anything he could to help her. She hoped he would be the friend she believed he was.

Her lieutenant promised she wasn't angry and that Amanda wouldn't face any repercussions for her outburst. However, Amanda didn't completely trust that. She feared Olivia might treat her worse for standing up to her. She planned to apologize over and over until Olivia knew that Amanda knew her place and wouldn't act out again. When Olivia was angry, it was intimidating, and Amanda did not want to be the cause of her anger. She knew that wouldn't end well.

Amanda felt sick at the idea of Bobby and Craig getting away with their crimes. She feared they would get away with it and continue getting away with it. She feared they would come after her in retaliation. She feared facing them in court. She feared not being believed. She feared their defense attorney would humiliate her on the stand. She wished she hadn't gone undercover that horrible night.

Carisi was the first one to notice Amanda sleeping. The Golden Girls was barely ending with another one starting when he noticed the young blonde's eyes were closed. Not wanting to disturb her slumber, he did his best to avoid moving. Olivia noticed only a minute after Carisi, and she was glad to see her getting a little rest.

The next episode was halfway through when whimpers pulled Carisi and Olivia out of their own thoughts. Amanda was squirming, begging her invisible attackers to stop. She covered her face with her arms in an effort to prevent invisible blows for harming her.

"P-please, n-no. Please. Don't. Please," Amanda pleaded through a shaky voice.

"Amanda, wake up. It's only a dream," Carisi said, shaking the young blonde.

"Please, don't! Please!" Amanda cried out.

"Amanda, honey, wake up," Olivia said, getting up from where she was sitting.

"It's all right. Wake up, Amanda. You're safe," Carisi continued. Amanda's eyes shot open, and another cry emerged from her. She sat up, hugging her knees to her chest, and cried. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Amanda," Carisi whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder. Amanda jerked away at the contact.

"No, don't! Please!" Amanda pleaded. She started flailing her arms, trying to hit who she believed to be an attacked. She was awake, but seemed to think she had never been asleep.

"Amanda, honey," Olivia tried to pull the younger woman from her confused state.

"Amanda, stop. It's okay," Carisi tried to assure her.

"Leave me alone! Please, stop! You're hurting me!" Amanda cried, still flailing around. Carisi took a punch to the jaw before Olivia decided she needed to intervene physically.

"Amanda, it's all right. You're safe," Olivia promised. The words didn't seem to enter Amanda's ears. She continued to cry and flail. Olivia held Amanda's arms to her sides, not wanting anyone else to get hit. She was about to speak again, but Amanda's scream stopped her.

"Please! Please, don't hurt me! I'll do whatever you say! Just, please, please, don't hurt me!" Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, sweetheart, please open your eyes. Look at me. It's me, Olivia. I'm not going to hurt you," Olivia promised, her eyes filling with tears. Amanda finally opened her eyes. She scooted away from the male detective. Carisi and Olivia noticed her visibly relax as she took in her surroundings. A strangled sob escaped from the young blonde, and Olivia hugged her.

"You're safe. You're safe," Olivia whispered.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda whimpered.

"Ssshhh. Don't be sorry," Olivia continued to soothe the young blonde.

"I-I thought-I thought you were," Amanda tried to explain.

"I know. I know. We're your friends. We won't hurt you," Olivia assured her. Amanda nodded her head. She composed herself after a few more minutes of hiccuping and choking sobs. Her trembling faded as she realized she was safe where she was. Carisi rubbed her shoulder, relieved when Amanda didn't flinch away.

"Can you tell me about your nightmare?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head.

"Okay. Maybe later," Olivia responded, giving her youngest detective a sad smile. Again, Amanda shook her head.

"Wow. It's late. I should head home," Carisi realized, glancing at the time. Olivia glared at Carisi for his accidental lack of sympathy. However, she remembered Amanda's claim that the squad knew they would have a bad day when she was in a bad mood, and she decided to let it go. She figured Amanda might be comfortable if it was just the two of them anyway.

After Olivia showed Carisi out, she returned to the couch. She pulled Amanda back into her arms. She continued trying to soothe the young blonde, assuring her she was safe.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you," Olivia whispered.

"It hurt so bad. Bobby was so rough," Amanda whimpered.

"I'm so sorry, honey," Olivia said, hugging Amanda tighter. Amanda let out a yawn, and Olivia decided they should head to bed.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Amanda offered.

"No, you're sleeping in your bed," Olivia stated firmly. She lead the younger woman to the bedroom.

"Do you need to change?" Olivia asked.

"I'm just wearing sweats," Amanda shrugged.

"I know. I just wasn't sure if you'd want to change since you've been in those sweats for so long," Olivia explained.

"I need to shower!" Amanda declared, suddenly. Olivia reminded her of how long she'd been in those clothes, and she remembered how dirty she felt.

"Honey, it's late. You can shower tomorrow," Olivia decided.

"No. I'm dirty. I need to shower now," Amanda whined.

"Amanda, it's late. I promise it won't hurt to wait until tomorrow," Olivia argued, her voice firm. Amanda decided not to talk back.

"Okay. Then, I'll change so I can be at least a little clean," Amanda sighed, her voice quiet. Olivia observed Amanda walked to her dresser and pull out another pair of sweats.

"Do you need some help?" Olivia asked, noticing that Amanda looked a bit sore. She stepped closer to the young blonde to offer help, but Amanda backed away. Her eyes were wide with fear. She wasn't about to let her boss undress her.

"No!" Amanda answered, panic evident in her voice.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to feel uncomfortable. I just want to help," Olivia explained. Amanda looked down.

"Okay. It's okay. I'll be in the living room if you need anything. Good night, Amanda," Olivia said before exiting the bedroom.


	9. Chapter 9

Amanda jolted awake around four in the morning. She experienced a horrible nightmare and was having trouble controlling her tears. Her body was trembling from fear, and she was sweating. She felt disgusting. She felt dirty. She wanted a shower. Olivia told her to wait until tomorrow, but it technically was tomorrow.

Amanda got up from the bed and dug around her dresser until she found another set of sweats. She headed to the bathroom and turned the shower on the hottest setting. While it warmed up, she took her clothes off. She was disgusted by her reflection. She got in the shower, hissing at the hot water, but she didn't change the temperature. She had once read that hot water kills more germs than cold water, and even if it didn't, she wanted to punish herself with the heat.

She washed her hair twice and conditioned it once. She scrubbed her body four times, desperately wanting to feel clean. She wasn't sure how long she'd been in the shower, and she didn't really care. When she got out, she dried off. As she dried her hair with the towel, she could see the dark circles under her eyes. She put on the sweats before grabbing the hair dryer.

It was close to five thirty in the morning when a loud noise woke Olivia. At first, she couldn't figure out what the noise was. After about a minute, she realized it was a hair dryer.

 _Oh_ , _Amanda._ Olivia thought. She let out a sigh before heading to the bathroom. She knocked on the door.

"Amanda, can I come in?" Olivia asked. Amanda heard Olivia's request, but chose to ignore her. The hair dryer had been turned off. Olivia opened the door, surprised Amanda hadn't locked it.

Olivia didn't say anything at first. Amanda tried to ignore her presence, but the older woman's staring made it difficult. She brushed her hair, trying not to look at her lieutenant. Olivia studied Amanda's features. Her puffy eyes were red from crying. Under her eyes were dark circles from lack of sleep. Her eyes were filled with a pain and sadness Olivia had seen hundreds of times on the job. However, seeing it in one of her detectives was strange. She was used to seeing victims in distress, but not her own detective. Olivia's heart shattered for the hurting blonde.

"When did you wake up?" Olivia finally managed to ask.

"I didn't really sleep," Amanda mumbled.

"When did you get up?" Olivia rephrased her question.

"Around four," Amanda answered.

"I told you to wait until tomorrow for a shower," Olivia reminded her.

"You said that last night. It is tomorrow," Amanda grumbled.

"You know what I meant," Olivia responded. Amanda shrugged, not caring about anything that came out of Olivia's mouth.

"You should be sleeping, not showering," Olivia stated, her tone calm. She was being patient with the young blonde, but she was also very tired.

"I'm not showering. I'm drying my hair," Amanda answered.

"Amanda, can you not be a smart aleck for two minutes?!" Olivia snapped. Amanda flinched before finally turning to look at her lieutenant. Olivia felt guilty when she saw Amanda's watery eyes.

"Leave me alone," Amanda whispered.

"I just want to help you," Olivia sighed.

"Yeah, because yelling is really helping a lot right now," Amanda said bitterly.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm just tired, and seeing you so hurt is difficult," Olivia apologized.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm tired too," Amanda spat.

"I know. I'm sorry," Olivia apologized again. Olivia walked closer to Amanda. She pulled the young blonde into a hug. Amanda finally allowed her tears to fall.

"You're okay. You're okay," Olivia tried to soothe her.

"No, I'm not okay," Amanda responded. Olivia had to now fight back her own tears. She lead Amanda back to her bed.

"Go back to sleep. We'll talk when you wake up," Olivia whispered. A small part of Amanda hoped she would never wake up.

Olivia pulled the covers over Amanda. She stroked her hair, telling her to get some sleep. She turned off the lights and was able to exit the room when Amanda's voice broke the silence.

"C-can you leave a light on?" Amanda asked in a small voice. She sounded like a little girl who was afraid of the dark, and she felt embarrassed for asking such a thing. Amanda didn't fear the dark. A part of her worried someone would attack her, and she wouldn't seem them coming in the dark. She wanted to be able to see everything.

"Of course," Olivia responded, her voice almost as quiet. However, her voice held sympathy instead of fear, unlike Amanda's. Olivia dimmed the lights.

"Is this okay?" Olivia asked.

"Yes," Amanda whispered. Olivia gave her a sad smile before exiting the room.

She returned to the couch. While the worry weighed heavy on Olivia's shoulders, the weight of her eyelids was just a little bit heavier. Olivia fell asleep almost instantly.

Amanda didn't fall asleep as quick as Olivia did, but it didn't take much longer. Amanda fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. Her breathing was calm, the apartment was quiet, and everything seemed as though it was okay. However, her heart was racing, the apartment had been filled with sobs only minutes, and, to Amanda, nothing seemed okay.

Hours later, Olivia stirred in her sleep. Her eyes slowly opened, and she sat up. She sat there for a few minute, grateful another few hours of sleep. She headed to Amanda's room to check on her.

Olivia was glad to see Amanda was asleep. Despite her puffy face from crying, the young blonde looked peaceful. Olivia hoped Amanda would get enough rest.

Olivia was worried for Amanda. She was barely getting any sleep, and her sleep was usually interrupted by a nightmare. She wasn't eating much, and Olivia heard her stomach growl a few times. It was difficult getting Amanda to eat more than a few bites. Amanda rejected physical contact. Amanda had never really liked physical contact, but this was different. She was uncomfortable with physical touch because of the rape. She didn't feel safe.

Olivia fixed herself some coffee before sitting on the couch. Frannie padded into the living room, and, when she saw the lieutenant, made her way to the couch. She rested her head on Olivia's lap. Olivia wasn't much of an animal person, but she didn't mind Frannie at the moment. Olivia patted Frannie's head as her thoughts built up.

She was thinking about that conversation she'd had with Amanda the previous day. She hadn't meant to berate her youngest detective. She had always seen herself as a good lieutenant, but if one of her detectives felt so bullied, maybe she wasn't as good as she thought. She wondered if her other detectives felt the same way as Amanda. She made a mental note to talk to Amanda about that conversation, and she made another mental note to casually bring it up to her other detectives.

Amanda woke up a half hour later. She slowly climbed out of the bed. She felt exhausted, but she didn't think she could fall back asleep. She started to make her bed, but then wondered what the point was. She had no reason to make her bed when she would be getting back into it tonight. She walked into her bathroom to brush her teeth, but she realized there was no point in that either. She would have to eat some time, so what was the point of brushing her teeth when they would just chew more food later? She was going to brush her hair, but again, didn't see the point. Her hair would get messy again at some point, so why brush it anyway? She was going to put on deodorant, but she didn't plan to leave the house today, so why bother?

She grabbed her razor from a drawer. She broke the blade out of it. She had no reason to make her bed, brush her teeth, brush her hair, or put on deodorant, but she had a reason to use that metal blade. She needed to punish herself. She felt she needed to hold all of her emotions inside, so she decided to get it all out before she had to go and face the day. She pressed it against her outer thigh. Five cuts later, she put the blade away. She was going to clean them, but she didn't see the point in that either.

Amanda exited the bathroom and headed to the living room. She found Olivia sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. Frannie was on Olivia's lap.

 _Since_ _when_ _does Olivia like_ _animals?_ Amanda wondered to herself.

"Good morning, Amanda," Olivia greeted, her voice soft and caring. Amanda almost cringed at the sympathy in her boss's voice.

"There's nothing _good_ about this morning, and since when do you like animals?" Amanda spat, her voice cold. Olivia almost flinched at Amanda's harsh tone.

"Frannie made herself at home, and I decided not to move her. She seemed comfortable," Olivia answered, keeping her voice patient and kind.

"Well, it _is_ her home," Amanda muttered.

"How did you sleep?" Olivia asked.

"You mean besides the nightmares and four a.m shower? I slept great," Amanda said sarcastically. Olivia sighed.

"Amanda, I know you're upset and exhausted, and I'm sorry. But please, I'm trying to help you," Olivia responded. Her tone was still soft, but tired. Her patience was running thin.

"Don't talk to me like that. I'm not a victim, and you don't get to talk to me like you understand," Amanda shot back.

"Amanda, I do understand," Olivia said softly and a little hurt. Memories of Lewis hit her, but she pushed them away for Amanda's sake.

"Yeah because you know what it's like to be raped, humiliated in front of your squad, and babysat by your boss who really couldn't care less about you," Amanda scoffed.

"The squad was there when they found me, and Nick didn't leave me alone for a long time. He's not my boss, but I know feeling babysat is frustrating. I'm not babysitting you. I'm here as a friend. I don't know what it's like to be raped, but I do know where you're coming from, and I do care about you," Olivia answered. Amanda was a bit surprised by the tenderness and care in Olivia's voice. She was being so patient.

Guilt hit Amanda. Of course, Olivia knew how she felt. She'd been taken hostage and violently assaulted. She had to deal with the post trauma. Olivia understood her better than anyone else she knew. Still, Amanda wouldn't apologize.

"You have no idea where I'm coming from," Amanda denied, even though she knew that was a lie.

"Then, how about you tell me where you're coming from?" Olivia asked, trying to stay patient.

"How about you screw off and stop trying to be my friend? I don't need you. I don't need anyone. I wish you'd just leave me alone," Amanda grumbled.

"Well, friends don't leave friends in times of need," Olivia stated, placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. Amanda purposely jerked away from Olivia.

"We're not friends! Stop trying to act like you care! You don't! You've never been kind to me until I became a victim! Just leave me alone!" Amanda yelled.

"Amanda," Olivia began.

"No! This isn't up for debate! Leave me alone! I don't want friends!" Amanda screamed.

"What do you want then, Amanda! I am sorry that we haven't been friends! Really, I am! But you're not making this any easier! Tell me what you want! I'll do whatever I have to do to prove that I'm sorry and that I do care about you!" Olivia yelled back. Her tone sounded angry, but she wasn't angry. She was sorry.

"I want to not be a victim," Amanda whispered, tears welling up in her eyes.


End file.
